you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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