Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
