you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
