Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
