i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
