just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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