I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
