I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."