My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
