How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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