I'm jealous of your bromance
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
