i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize