he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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