u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
