Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
