I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
