have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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