I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
