So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
