I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
