saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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