forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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