I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
