So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
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Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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