i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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