I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
