The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
