There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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