The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
