So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
