He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
