Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
