remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
