What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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