She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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