I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
