I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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