In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Where is the hickey?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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