Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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