if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
