ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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