Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My life is pants optional.
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