i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
