That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
