Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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