69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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