i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
