She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
