I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
