i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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