Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
