ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
