i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
