so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
