Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
