i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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