Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Are we still banned from the library?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
